I Hope This Day is Good

"Lord, I hope this day is good,
I'm feeling empty and misunderstood.
I should be thankful Lord I know I should,
But, Lord, I hope this day is good.

Lord have you forgotten me
I've been prayin' to you faithfully
I'm not saying am a righteous man
But Lord I know you'll understand.

I don't need fortune and I don't need fame,
Send down the thunder, Lord, send down the rain.
But when you're planning just how it will be,
Plan a good day for me."

~Lord I Hope This Day is Good by Don Williams

Could Things Get Much Worse?

I got a call from my mom this morning asking if I had heard about the ex.
I said no.
She said the surgeon called him yesterday to give him the report from his surgery.
The tumor was malignant.

Needless to say, my heart sank.

I was surprised and hurt that he didn't let me know. He text me about his surgery, so why wouldn't he let me know about this? After talking about it with T, I decided to call him.

He didn't answer. But he did text me right back and asked: "Whats up, I'm in Cabelas"
I told him my mom had called me, yada, yada, yada and asked him what was going on.
He said he may have to have his thyroid taken out.
I told him that I was just concerned and so I decided to call him. I also said he knows that if he needs anything to let me know.
He said ya, thanks.

And that was it.

I don't know what I was hoping for or expecting but I feel so helpless. What do you do when an unrequited love is faced with this? I want to be there for him but I know that's not what we are anymore.

T said he went over to their house yesterday and told them about it and he was definitely humbled by the whole situation. He said it makes you rethink some of the decisions you've made. I heard through the grapevine that his facebook status said: It's funny how a single phone call can change your life. T said she thinks/hopes it makes him realize who and what is really important in life.

I guess deep down, I want him to decide that I am an important part of his life, but I am by no means counting on it. It's hard when what you want and what you know will actually happen are 2 completely different things.

It's just all very hard to swallow.

Dear X

I wonder if you thought about me today because I thought about you.

Christmas Eve...really?

I'm having an extremely hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. Usually I am super excited for the whole holiday season, but not this year. For some reason, it just doesn't feel like Christmas to me.

My mom had to ask me a hundred times for a wish list, so I spent hours trying to come up with suggestions. I can honestly say, I don't really want anything. I must be getting old because I asked for socks and a clip board for Christmas....who does that?!

One of my favorite parts about Christmas is gift-giving. I love skeeming over the perfect gift for weeks for that special someone. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy giving gifts to everyone, family members included, but it's not the same as giving the perfect gift to the one that you love. I consider myself to be a pretty great gift-giver - like the time I got my ex basketball tickets to the MU/KU basketball game. I was on the computer at 7:45 a.m. the day the tickets went on sale waiting for 8 a.m. The tickets sold out fast, but I got them! Or when we flew over Kansas City to look at the city lights for his birthday. I didn't tell him what we were doing until we pulled into the airport.

But, on the bright side, I saved a bunch of money this holiday season by not having a boyfriend!

There's always hope for next year....I just have to make it through this holiday season first [Which is a little hard to do when All I want for Christmas is you]

I Don't Wanna Know

When I come home for break I get so excited because I always work out with my old boss (TK) and a few other women. When I'm at school, I always work out by myself so it's great to be able to work out with others for a change. Which means, this year, I set my alarm for 4:45 a.m. and arrive at the gym promptly at 5! It's so worth it though!

Old Boss
+ Old Dance Team Sponsor
+ Mother of ex's best friend
+ Small town
=
Updates...

So, yesterday morning, TK mentioned to me that she didn't know the ex had surgery until her son told her after it was all over. Then she said that the ex's mom had to take him back to the city on Friday and he just decided to stay there until this Wednesday because there's nothing to do here except drink and he didn't want to do that (very good sign!). Although I was excited that there wouldn't be a possibility for me to run into him until at least Wednesday, I still didn't feel any more at ease. But then at 5 a.m. this morning, TK said that the ex was at her house last night. She told the guys that she was working out at 5 a.m. and then mentioned in passing that I was working out too. The ex apparently replied, "Of course," and then TK moved on with the conversation, asking how his grades/classes were, how school was, etc.

A little bit later, he apparently asked, "So how is Allie anyway?"
TK replied, "Perfect, of course! She's got a 4.0, works out all the time, helps her mom clean the house...she's doing really well."

I was glad TK talked me up, but I wish she wouldn't have told me about it. It's amazing how something so insignificant like that can make my mind wander.

Me to a T

I've always known that I am a very guarded person, and now I know why.

My dad and I were discussing birth order and so I decided to look up middle child syndrome.

Middle Child

"These kids are the most difficult to pin down. They are guaranteed to be opposite of their older sibling, but that difference can manifest in a variety of ways. Middle children often feel like their older brother gets all the glory while their younger sister escapes all discipline. Because the middle child feels that the world pays him less attention, he tends to be secretive; he does not openly share his thoughts or feelings."

"Middle children may not feel they have a special place in the family so friends and peer groups become much more important. They can usually read people well, they are peacemakers who see all sides of a situation, they are independent and inventive. "

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2002/06/10/earlyshow/living/parenting/main511694.shtml

"They really don’t like to latch on to a person in a relationship."

http://www.essortment.com/all/whatismiddlec_rsoe.htm

Even in my friendships, I am very guarded and I (unintentionally) don't let people in easily. I don't offer my thoughts and feelings to others and I am selective in how much/what I reveal when asked personal questions. I always thought of it as a natural defense mechanism to keep me from getting hurt, but maybe my environment is partly to blame!

You're a Heartbreaker

"The truth is I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole
heart, and I never really got it back." ~ Sweet Home Alabama

"When a heart breaks, no it don't break even." ~ Breakeven by The Script

"And I wonder if I ever cross your mind. For me it happens all the time." ~ Need You Now by Lady Antebellum

"You make breaking hearts look so easy." ~ Breaking by Anberlin

I resisted the urge again today to find out how he's doing.

Mom Knows Best

I got an email from my mom today, asking me about a Christmas gift, and then she ended with:

"Do you know yet what you and B are? Or will you be agreeing to go out with Coach?"

[Coach = new, very iffy possibility. While I was home over Thanksgiving break, my old boss asked me if I was seeing anyone. At the time, things with B and I were good and I didn't really know what we were. He called me his girl, babe, etc. and when I would hang out with other people, he told me "not to kiss any other guys." So my response at the time was, kind of. Intrigued, I asked why she wanted to know. Turns out, she wanted to set me up with the high school football coach from my hometown. He was 2 grades above me and I cheered while he played football and basketball when I was in high school. He went on to play football at a D-2 college, and is now back here coaching. I used to have a high school crush on him : )]

So I emailed my mom back, saying if she asked to set me up with Coach again, I would agree...what the heck, right?

She emailed me back saying:

"Yes....what the heck!!!! He [B] was just another toad...you will meet your prince someday...I promise!!! Just keep holding out for him and don't settle!!!"

Oh man mom, you're funny.

On a side note, B has text me the last 2 days, which surprised me. Today he told me to have a safe trip home, which was very sweet of him. Obviously he was thinking about me and knew there was a chance I was going home today. But don't worry, I'm not putting any stock into his recent texts. I am taking the approach that I'm not going to text him...if he wants to talk to me, he'll have to contact me : ) Apparently it's worked thus far, lol.


Today the ex had surgery. I resisted the urge to text his sister-in-law to find out how he was.

Miles and Music

When B and I first decided to order the tickets for the AWESOME concert, I was super excited. In fact, I was really excited for us to go until he ditched me twice in one week...

So things were a little awkward last night. Not uncomfortable by any means, just not how our usual interactions have always gone.

It was all the little things that I picked up on the most:

- He spent a good portion of the car ride on his phone, either texting or calling people
- We talked, but didn't have conversation
- Typically when we are in the car together, he would always reach over and grab my hand. He didn't do that once last night, and we had an 8 hour car ride!
- At the concert, in between sets, he spent more time talking to the people next to us than me. Don't get me wrong, it's attractive that he's friendly and can strike up a conversation with the person next to him, but not so much so when I have an aisle seat with no one to talk to myself.

When I dropped him off at 4 a.m. this morning, he asked me when I was going home for break, but I don't anticipate anything coming out of it.

On a side note, the concert was fantastic!

Updates Galore!

Alright, so here goes! Updates on my life (ok, boys) over the last couple months...
I apologize in advance for the length!


B (running in the rain boy):

We hung out a lot for the first couple weeks - he would text me quite a bit, invited me over to watch football, baseball (the world series was going on during this time), and movies almost every night. We went to the theater several times, he cooked me supper, and we ordered tickets to go to a concert (which is tomorrow actually). Things were good....

And then the new Call of Duty xbox game came out and he basically fell off the face of the earth. His sleeping schedule is completely messed up and I barely hear from him once a day. Over Thanksgiving break, he finally called me a week after it started and we talked for about 5 minutes, and that was it. Then when we got back from break, he invited me to come over the next night after he got off work, but once he got off he text me and said he had a really bad day and was going to go work out. I was under the impression that he was going to work out and then we would hang out, but I was wrong. Two days later he text me and said, "hey stranger, what are your plans for tonight?" I told him I didn't have any plans, so again, I assumed that meant we were going to hang out, but I was wrong, again. I didn't ever end up hearing from him. I ended up going over and seeing him the next day for about 2 hours before he had to go to work, but he slept most of the time.

Fast forward to this week, and I had invited him to the Christmas service at the Christian Campus House (I'm an intern there and I spoke during the service). He asked me what time it was, but he didn't show up...he text me at 11 that night and said he fell asleep and had just woken up. I told him I was leaving the next day for Denver but my flight got back in Friday night, so maybe we could hang out Friday night or Saturday. I didn't ever hear from him last night, so we'll see what happens today.

I'm pretty sure tomorrow's concert will be the end of things. Thankfully, I've learned enough about myself over the past year to know that I should not have to compete with a video game for attention. Every person deserves more respect than that, so...


The Ex:

Wow, where to begin...
Apparently, it began driving him crazy that I was ignoring all of his attempts to communicate with me. He was typically texting me or calling me once every 2 weeks, but after I decided to ignore his attempts following Labor Day weekend, he upped it to once a week. He sent me a text asking me if I was ever going to talk to him again, so I finally text him back and said that I didn't think we should talk anymore, so he sent me a text that said "ok," but I knew it wasn't over...
The next week, he sent me a facebook message saying he didn't understand why we couldn't talk anymore. He said he had apologized for his behavior and he just wanted to know how things were going. I thought about it for a couple days and sent him this message:

I understand that you apologized and I appreciate your apology and I accept it, but I had decided to end things completely before you apologized. I decided after Labor Day weekend that I didn't appreciate the way I had been treated, and I'm not down with that. Your favorite phrase since we broke up was that "it's over," but it's never really been over for either of us. When you broke up with me, you chose to take me out of your life, but you also lost the right to be in my life completely. I should have ended things a long time ago, but I guess I wasn't ready to. I think it's pretty clear we can't be friends, 1. we have too much of a history together 2. we've tried it but don't know how to act as friends because that's not what we were 3. that's not how break ups work. Just so you know, this isn't about me blaming you or attacking you and it's not that I'm mad at you or anything like that, it's just over between us. Again, I appreciate your apology, I really do, and I would never wish anything but the best for you. I think you're an awesome guy, but I just don't think there is a need for us to stay in contact.

I didn't ever get a message back from him. The next week, was opening day of deer season, so I figured he probably went home that weekend to hunt, but didn't think much more about it. That Sunday night, I got a text from him while he was on his way back to school - he said he was in a town that's about 20 minutes away from where I go to school and asked if I wanted him to stop by and see me, and then ended with "lol, jk." I didn't reply. Then, that same week, I had a missed call from him on Thursday, and then again on Friday.

Needless to say, I wasn't excited about going home for Thanksgiving break because I figured I would run into him (kind of hard not to in a town of 3,000). On Monday night, I went to my little sister's junior high basketball game to watch her cheer. My ex's sister-in-law is my sister's cheerleading sponsor, so I talked with her for quite awhile when I got there. She told me that she was supposed to edit one of his papers for him that was due at midnight, but he hadn't given it to her yet, but I didn't think anything about it. Then, later on in the night, I happened to look over and I thought I saw him standing in the commons. A couple minutes later, he had walked around to the side I was sitting on and was standing about 8 feet from me. We made eye contact as soon as he came around the corner, and it was all over after that. I don't understand how that look had so much power, but it did. Luckily, I had way too much homework to hang out with anyone over break, so I didn't end up running into him again. He called me that Friday night of break, and in a moment of weakness, I answered. He asked what I was doing, how my break was going and other small talk. I told him I was getting ready to go to bed, and he said 'oh' like he was kind of surprised or let down (although I could be misinterpreting his tone, which is highly possible). So he said him and one of his friends were driving around and they drove by my house and so he thought he would give me a call. Then he said he was on his way out to his friend's house and he was going was to drive by my house on his way out there. He asked if that was weird, which actually it was, because that definitely was not the most direct route to his friend's house.

And then he text me last night and said, "I am having surgery next week, just to let you know." After much debate, I sent him a text back saying I would be praying for him and he said Thanks. I'm not sure why he would want to let me know that, but it pretty much ruined my night. I'm trying to be strong but it's impossible when he won't leave me alone and let me be. I hate how he can still have so much power over my mood/emotions. I ended up texting his sister-in-law today to find out the details of his surgery because I really didn't want to have a conversation with him. I've been so intentional about trying to move on...I ignore almost all of his attempts to contact me, but I just don't understand why he still does it.


My friend T:

We have been extremely close friends since Logan broke up with me - we've been through a lot of the same situations and have always been there for each other ever since. Extremely long story short: he began dating this girl and has fallen off of the face of the earth completely. We went from texting or talking nearly everyday to never at all. I don't ever hear from him, and even if I text him, half of the time he never texts me back. It sucks so much to value a friendship when it all of a sudden isn't reciprocated back. For some reason, all of the guys that I invest in end up letting me down.

Running in the Rain

Yesterday I woke up and had an awesome run in the rain. Later that morning, I updated my facebook status about running in the rain. Then I got a facebook message from a guy I played intramurals slow-pitch with last year (haven't seen him or talked to him first, other than 1 facebook comment). The conversation went like this:

B: Why didn't you ask me to run in the rain with you? I love runnin in the rain :(
Me: Oh man, sorry, I didn't know! Running in the rain is the best!
B: It really is. I love it.
What are your plans for today?
Me: Work and homework...pretty fun stuff.
B: We should watch a movie or something
Me: Ok...details?
B: Transformers 2?

So then he gave me his number and we text back and forth throughout the day. I went over to his apartment last night and we watched/talked through Transformers, then played Call of Duty for awhile (which by the way, I am absolutely terrible at)!
We had an awesome conversation and have quite a bit in common. There was never an awkward or uncomfortable moment and we both had a lot of fun. We plan on hanging out again, so it was a success!

Things I like about him:

He wants to teach and coach football and track
He's from a small town and probably wants to go back to a small town
Loves kids, enjoys working with them
Enjoys running and working out
Funny
Chilvarous - he opened the door for me, walked me to my car, and made sure I made it home safely, thanked me for hanging out with him
Smiles a lot!
Huge Royals and Chiefs fan, hates the Yankees (sorry Tiff)!
Genuinely interested in getting to know me
Oh, and he's good looking : )

MJ Mix

I love Michael Jackson - his music and moves just put me in a good mood and make me want to dance. This medley is awesome!

It's the Simple Things in Life

Tonight, I had a much needed break from school, work, and just life.

I went to a hayride, minus the actual hayride. The weatherman was calling for rain and God kept sending down sprinkles every once in awhile just to keep us on our toes, so the hayride itself didn't happen. But, it was still fun!

I grew up in a small town and loved it. Unfortunately, I haven't been home since Labor Day (7 weeks ago) and won't be going home until Thanksgiving break (4 1/2 weeks). So, needless to say, I miss it and wish I was there! The 'hayride' was at our Office Professional's farm. It was so awesome just to be out of the city limits and to smell fresh air and cow poop (lol, for real...it takes me home).

The not-so-hayride consisted of:

Hotdogs
Hot Apple Cider (#6 on list of things I'm thankful for)
S'mores (#7)
3 legged race
Great conversations
A mental break


Saturday I get to see my dad!!! He and I are going to the Mizzou football game together. I love, love, love football, especially Mizzou football...too bad they haven't been doing so hot lately AND they are play Texas. Hopefully it will be a good game, but regardless, it will be nice to see my dad and spend quality time with him (#8).

The fall leaves just keep getting more vibrant and beautiful, it's awesome.

You Got Me...Again.

I was expecting to hear from the ex sometime late tomorrow night or in the days to follow his birthday since I'm not going to wish him a happy birthday in any way. But...as always, he threw me for a loop and text me today. He asked how school is going. I haven't replied to it and am not planning to, but like always, it makes me wonder/think about things I don't want to.

Not So Happy Birthday.

Tuesday is his birthday.
I'm not going to contact him.
But, that doesn't keep me from thinking about it/him.


Today, I am thankful for:
4. The color of fall leaves
5. Crossing items off of my to-do list

It's All About Your Mindset

I have learned SO much since being single, so I thought I would share how I have noticed growth and change in recent days.

My aunt still has her heart set on me dating one of her daughter's (my cousin's) ex-boyfriends. He has had my number for over a month now and I haven't heard from him yet. She text me the other night to find out if we had our date set up yet, which of course we don't, and then proceeded to tell me how I need to ask him out, and to "get this ball rolling." I told her that 1. That was not my style 2. I am patient and 3. I am really busy, so I'm not going to push it.
Then, one of my guy friends kept asking me to come see him and stay with him (he lives a little over an hour away). He text me last night at 8:30 p.m. and wanted me to come there. I told him I already had plans, but he didn't like that too much. He got kind of mad about it, but I told him 1. If he really wanted to hang out, he would give me more than a moment's notice 2. I don't have to drop everything for anyone, it's just the perks of being single.
What I've come to realize is that I don't have to make time for anyone or anything I don't want to. I don't mean that in a negative way, it's just been an awesome realization for me because I find it so freeing. I am such a people pleaser, that I often lose sight of what I want. Unfortunately, this semester, I have stretched myself way too thin, so I honestly do not have time for another person in my life...and that's ok!!! I've also realized that no one else has the right to make me feel bad for not wanting to invest my time and life into another person. I'm starting to, or at least trying to embrace my single-ness.


On another note, last night I went to a get together with a lot of the people I work with. Guy from work (same guy from previous posts - we flirt, but will never date) was there of course. We spent most the night talking and having an awesome conversation. When I went to leave, I gave him a hug and he walked me outside. I told him to call me later if he needed a ride, because I absolutely hate drunk driving!!! He pinky promised he would and then gave me a kiss (innocent peck of course) as I was leaving. He actually did end up calling me at 4:30 this morning, I guess just to let me know he had made it home. I was talking to another guy last night who made a comment that if he didn't have a girlfriend, he would be hitting on me right now. Ha! I love little comments like that!

I am thankful for:
2. College football on Saturdays!
3. Crisp, fall mornings that are perfect to run in

I am Thankful for...

I was in Hallmark the other day and they had the cutest little book called 1001 Things to be Thankful For (or something like that). I really wanted to buy it but decided to make my own list instead...hopefully this will be an ongoing list.

At the moment, I am thankful for:

1. Blankets

Kind of sad, I know, but it's just kind of a dreary day.

Take That!

He called last night.
I didn't answer.
For the first time in over a year, I feel strong and proud of myself!
I am stronger than this!

Really?

Last week the ex wrote on my facebook, telling me about Breaking Benjamin's new CD that is out. He knows that I like Breaking Benjamin because I have one of their earlier CD's and we listened to it together several times. I just wanted to tell him 'we are not friends, why would you write on my wall? Of all the people in the world to tell about the CD, why me? Really?!' But...I didn't respond. I toyed with the idea of deleting the post, but in the end I decided to leave it on my wall just because I don't want him to know this is still somewhat of an issue for me. I must admit it feels pretty good to be the one with the upper hand : )

Today, I was substitute teaching and had a 15 year old boy ask me to be his date to the Homecoming Dance. Really? For some reason, I always get hit on by middle school or high school boys whenever I substitute teach.

I have had/will have at least 1 test a week from last week until Thanksgiving.

Mizzou lost.

This is what I love

A list of things I love:

These lyrics:
"I wonder if I ever cross your mind
To me it happens all the time"

The new season

My sister got a teaching assistant position!

My friend had a baby boy today...and named him the same name I want to name my son (if I ever have one): Josiah Daniel : )

3 Strikes...You're Out!

My aunt has tried to set me up 3 times now. This was all my aunt's doing...definitely not something I asked for.

Boy #1 - Very attractive, older, had a good job, interested in sports, seemed like a great guy. But... He started dating another girl about the same time my aunt gave him my number

Boy #2 - Very family oriented, much older, not a big partyer, nice, etc.
But... My aunt didn't check with him first - turns out he has a girlfriend

Boy #3 - Nice, very likable guy, chilvarous, in the army, older. Only 1 small issue...he is my cousin's ex-boyfriend! Apparently she spoke with my cousin (who is now married) and she okayed the whole ordeal, and he agreed to take me out. He's been stationed in Texas for the last several years but recently moved back to the area and doesn't know anyone. Everyone in my family loved him,
But... He hasn't called (not that I'm waiting for his call by any means)


My faithful reader(s) know(s) I went on a date earlier this summer but quickly discovered it's not something I'm ready for or interested in right now.

But... I can't help but wonder why nothing has worked out.

0 for 3, really? So much for being a catch! ; )

Clearly, I am here for a reason.

Going Through the Motions

Since the end of spring semester, I have been struggling with my faith. All-the-while, I have kept up with the things that I 'should' do, but nonetheless, am still in this dry spell.

I did a 90-day Bible reading challenge, which I just finished up 2 weeks ago. It was awesome to read through it in such a short period of time because it made the Bible seem like more of a story. I understood it better because I wasn't just reading a chapter or two a day, but, as cool as that was, I didn't grow spiritually from it.

This semester I am an intern at the Christian Campus House [CCH], but I feel like I have nothing really to offer. I am also involved in a Bible study, because it's expected of me as an intern...but I feel like I'm fake when I'm there. I still go to church on Sundays and am at worship on Wednesday nights at CCH, but it's very much about me just going through the motions and doing what I need to do.

I know part of this, if not all of it, has stemmed from my situation with the ex. I have prayed for so long to just move on, to get over him, to stop hurting and to have peace, but I don't feel like much has changed. Sometimes I feel like shouting and waving my arms, telling Him that I'm still here, that I'm still filled with this pain, but He already knows that. It's not that I have lost faith in God, I guess I have just lost hope that I will be delivered from this situation anytime soon.

The devotion tonight said to write a prayer to God asking Him to either send you someone to encourage you that He hears your prayers or to send you to encourage someone that needs it.

I prayed for both.

Time Well Spent

I got a text from the ex yesterday morning.
I'm really glad I changed his name to Stronger than This!
I decided I would wait until last night to reply just so I could think about what to say back.

Stronger Than This (10:25 a.m.): I apologize for my actions two weeks ago
Me (6:38 p.m.): Thanks, I appreciate it
Stronger Than This (6:38 p.m.): Yep that was a long delayed response

The End!

With the encouragement of one of my awesome roomies, I decided not to reply back to his last text. There was no need for a response - I am well aware that I waited 8 hours to respond, but I'm not sorry about it and I don't need to provide a reason/excuse for why I did it. I did it because I wanted to, end of story : )

My roommate really said some things that opened my eyes to the whole situation - the truth hurts, but I'm really grateful for it. I've always said that he's been stringing me along, which he has, but I have allowed him to do it. I've also said that I want to always be there for him just in case he has an epiphany and realizes that he has majorly fallen away from God or needs someone to talk to. But, as my roommate pointed out, maybe by always leaving the door open for communication, I am creating a stumbling block for him (every time I have gone down to his house).

Numerous times he has told me that it's over, but I realized after our last encounter that it really hasn't ever been over for either of us. He has continued the relationship by wanting a physical one, and I have allowed it. What happened to people breaking up and that being the end? When he broke up with me, he chose to take me out of his life, but he also lost the right to be in my life, so it is my mission to end this relationship once and for all.

Showtime

I watched the movie The Holiday twice this weekend (the perks of being at home sick), and as stupid as it sounds, it was such an eye opening experience for me. Two of the characters have an unrequited love, and just seeing how weak the characters became whenever their love would call or visit gave me a V8 moment.

I have been that person.

I have been that weak.

But that was then.

I am stronger than this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself! For years! But you waltzing in here on my lovely Christmas holiday, and telling me that you don't want to lose me whilst you're about to get MARRIED, somehow newly entitles me to say, it's over. This - This twisted, toxic THING between us, is finally finished! I'm miraculously done being in love with you! Ha! I've got a life to start living. And you're not going to be in it. "

Iris, from The Holiday

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Step by Step

Today my mom emailed me to tell me that a woman from my hometown, who is a close, close family friend of the ex, found out she was pregnant with her 5th child when she went to get her immunizations before leaving to be a full-time missionary in India!

I, needless to say, was shocked! The couple still plans on moving to India, and the baby is due in April. Definitely keep them in your prayers, what a scary situation.

My initial reaction was to text my ex and let him know, because it is such crazy news! After pondering it for a few moments, I decided to email his mom instead.

I feel this was definitely the better of the 2 options.

Filled to the Brim

This morning I woke up with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and it has stuck with me all day...

I had an awesome weekend seeing all my old high school friends while home for the fair. It was good to catch up, hang out, and have a few drinks with the people I have grown up with my whole life.

So now it's Monday, and I'm back at school, getting ready to dive back into life. It's always so hard for me to leave home, and coming back to school is the LAST thing I want to do. I'm realizing more and more that there is just something about my hometown that I love. It's a small community where life is 'simple' and everyone knows my name and I'm truly at home there.

Life Lessons 909

I told you that the ex had text me out of the blue but now I will offer the whole story.

He text me last week to see if I was going to be home for the fair. He made a point to bring it up 3 times in our conversation, but like I said in an earlier post, I didn't expect us to even acknowledge one another...wrong!

Friday night I was at the fair and he text me. Again, I tried to make it clear by not responding to certain texts that I wanted no part in continuing the conversation with him. He eventually showed up at the fair as well and we were in 2 different groups the whole night, but in the same area to where he could clearly see me.

Anytime I would walk away, he would text me to ask if I had left the fair. He did this probably 5 or 6 times. When I would say no, he would ask where I was, etc. This went on for 2 hours, until I finally did leave. Of course as I was leaving, he asked me if I was leaving, so I told him he was. He then asked me if I could give him a ride to his car at his house. Giving in as always, I told him I would because I assumed he had ridden with someone to the fair that was now drunk (which turned out to be the case).

Long story short, I ended up going back to the fair to pick him up and take him to his car before I went to one of my friend's house. When I pulled into his drive, he asked me if I would stop by later. So against my better judgement, I did. When I finally got there, it was after 2 in the morning and he immediately started hitting on me. I was there for probably 5 or 10 minutes before I had had enough. I told him I was not there for that and he kept at it so I got up and told him I was leaving. He was clearly angry about it...apparently he doesn't do rejection well, but for that moment, I felt great! I had turned him down and told him that we were over.

We didn't speak again the whole weekend, except for when we passed each other at the fair and he smiled and said hi.

I've learned that he really only contacts me when he wants something, and I'm not down with that. The good news is we won't see each other again until Thanksgiving, so hopefully I can continue to grow stronger from now until then.

When I got back today, I changed his name in my phone to Stronger Than This, just to remind myself that nothing good will come out of talking to him.

A Snapshot into my Life

I wish I was a photographer.

Or at least learn to take some really awesome pictures.

I love photographs. I love the stories behind them and how they are so honest.

Sometimes I get lucky and capture what I consider to be some pretty sweet pictures (relatively speaking).

This picture was of a beautiful Indiana sunset...although the picture doesn't do it justice.



If you want to see some really awesome photos from my trip to Haiti, check out one of my friend's photos http://www.flickr.com/photos/hannahbrewer/sets/72157615849563062/

Don't Talk to Me

The ex text me last night out of the blue.

My replies to his texts made it very clear that I wanted no part in continuing the conversation, but yet he continued to ask me questions anyway.

It made me mad...I wish he would just leave me alone.

P.S. We will both be home this weekend for the fair in our hometown, but don't worry, I don't think we will even ackowledge one another's existence.

Music &Lyrics

Lyrics that have really spoke to me the last couple days:

"But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will"
~ One Day You Will by Lady Antebellum

"I guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all"
~ Need You Now by Lady Antebellum

"Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right
We were never meant for do or die"
~ Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson

It's Been How Long?

I've been in a funk for the last several weeks and I am more than ready to get out of it, but not quite sure how.

I took the 1 year 'anniversary' of the breakup way harder than I ever would have imagined. I guess I thought that I would be much further along by this point. Not to say that I'm in the same place as I was a year ago, it's just that I imagined myself being over him by now. I think a year sounds so pathetic to say that I do still love him...especially after the way I have been treated since the breakup.

I know I am not holding onto him in any way. I don't talk to him, I don't ask others about him, and I don't ever even look at his facebook. I'm not sitting at home waiting for him to call me or change his mind about being together. And, most importantly, I have prayed since day 1 that God would give me healing, peace, and help me to move on! In fact, I am so insanely busy that I hardly have a moment to myself (which is why my posts have been nonexistent).

I have come to the conclusion that there is a reason for my pathetic inability to get over him. Whether that means we are going to end up together sometime down the road or that God is just keeping me from dating someone that would be harmful to me, there has to be a reason.

How Could You Be So Heartless?

How can I still be so in love with a guy that has become an absolute jerk?

It has now been a year and 1 week since the ex broke up with me and yet I still love him.

I called him to see if I could stop by his house tonight to talk to him because for the last month he will not even look at me let alone talk to me and it literally happened at the snap of a finger. He wouldn't even give me the time of day, when all I asked for was 10 minutes of his time.

The phone conversation ended in him telling me that I needed to move on from us....

I wanted to slap him across the phone, first of all for being so heartless, but second of all, does he really think I haven't tried? You know what ex, that's a great idea! If only you could teach me to be as heartless as you I could.

I got a text from him as soon as we got off the phone. It said, "That took longer than 10 minutes"

So Much to Say!

I have been out of town and haven't had access to the internet for awhile, which means I have so much I need to say! Unfortunately, I don't have time to give the full update, so I thought I would just give a quick post to let you know I'm still alive : )

Last Friday night I went on a date with C. I had to work at a fundraiser until 9 so afterwards we went and got ice cream, where we played a life size game of checkers (stalemate the first game, I won the second), and then we went driving around for awhile and finally ended up at a golf course, where we went and looked at the stars. It was a good date, we get along well, have a lot in common and have fun together.

But...

I have discovered that dating is just not appealing to me whatsoever right now. It has nothing to do with C, I'm just not ready. I feel like my ex still has so much of me and I'm not ready to let another person in or risk getting hurt again.

I'm not sure how I'm going to tell C this, because he really is a great guy and I don't want to be the one to cause another person pain, but I simply cannot do the whole dating thing right now.

More updates to come...

So There's This Boy...

2 weeks ago, my friend's coworker invited us out to the races because his roommate races. The guy we went to watch ended up winning and so they invited us back to the pits once the races were over, and then out to the bars afterwards. The driver, we'll call him C, and I hit it off really well and even though there was a large group of people at the bar celebrating his victory, he pretty much spent the whole time talking to me. Before we left, he asked us if we would be back next week but both of us were out of town (He ended up getting 2nd place that week).

Last week while I was on a mission trip, I had a voicemail from a number I didn't know. Turns out it was C, who had his friend get my phone number from my friend. He asked me if I was going to the races so I text my friend to see if her and her bf wanted to go. Originally she said she thought they would, but ended up backing out. I told C I would go if my friend was up for it, but he said I could always go with him if she said no.

So, Saturday night I met C at the races where he paid $25 for me to go back to the pits with him (Turns out I'm the only person he has ever paid to go back to the pits without expecting them to work on the car). After qualifying for the finals, he asked me if I wanted to walk with him, so we walked a little bit and then went and sat and watched all of the other heats before intermission. After walking the track during intermission (to check out the condition of the track of course), we went back to the pits so he could get ready for the finals. Unfortunately, C caused a wreck at the beginning of the finals and had to end up pulling out of the race. Needless to say, he was upset so I just gave him his space and gave him time to cool off. But apparently I cheered him up pretty soon because he was fine after 30 minutes. Despite the loss, we went out to a bar afterwards and had a good time.

On paper, C is a great guy. He is:
- Older
- In the Air Force Reserves
- Majoring in Political Science (which used to be my major)
- Planning on being a lawyer and running for State Representative
- Very nice, funny, and he really likes me (I think he has talked to me everyday since he got my number and has asked me to hang out several times since then)

But there's just one problem...C is not really a Christian. I'm assuming from the few comments he has made that it's not that he doesn't believe in God, it's just that he doesn't have a personal relationship with Him. I'm not really sure how I should tell him that we can't date. My plan is to go on what he refers to as 'a real date' because I don't want to tell him through text or over the phone...that just seems heartless. But, I don't know what I should say - I don't want him to think I'm judging him or that I think I'm better than him.

Any suggestions?

Wasting My Time

Why do we worry so much about the things we can't control?

Today, God has shown me through 2 other people's lives that if we just put all our trust and control in His hands, He will not just take care of us, but provide for us in ways we could never have imagined.

My morning devotion was about being positive, even when we feel like the things and events in our life are not going the way we had hoped.

Even when we don't know God's plan for us, just know that He loves us and has something wonderful in store for us.

Love and Marriage

Sunday I had to work at 11 so I was forced to go to the church that has the early morning service, and not my church of choice.

There was a guest speaker, which I didn't mind so much, but when I heard the topic, I wasn't so excited. It was on marriage.

At first I thought to myself, great, I can't even go to church and escape this! But, it turned out to be a great sermon, I though, so I will share...

The title was Facing the Factors, and the speaker focused on what makes marriages fall apart.

1. Familiarity Factor - Revelation 2:4-5
When something new becomes familiar, then the familiar becomes taken for granted. The verse in Revelation is saying that we should go back and do the things that we did at first. I've never been married, but I have been in 2 long term relationships and know how easy it is to settle into a routine and everything becomes, well, familiar.

2. Fatigue Factor
While dating, your energy level is at the highest and your responsibility level is the lowest. His point here is not to lose track of your marriage once life gets crazy with careers and kids and life. He said "Don't settle for a surviving marriage, strive for a thriving marriage." Although I don't have any experience in this arena, I can see how this could be a huge problem.

3. Flaw Factor
Plain and simple, no one is perfect, so don't expect perfection

4. Faith Factor - Luke 14:26
He said that most couples put too much faith in their marriages and not enough faith in God. He said not to expect your spouse to fill the needs only God can provide.


While I was running yesterday morning, a guy drove up from behind me, slowed down, and then stopped his car in the middle of the street to ask for my phone number. Although I was somewhat flattered, it creeped me out, sorry dude, no number for you. Somehow I don't think a marriage-worthy Christian guy would ask for my number while driving by me running.

The Way You Make Me Feel

Conversation with Guy at Work -

(It is the end of the night, he is standing next to me in the back rolling silverware and talking to me while I am trying to count the cash register drawer.)

Guy: (After talking for about 5 minutes straight about how the girl he was seeing did something to hurt him) So you don't talk very much
Me: I'm sorry, I'm trying to count
Guy: How old are you?
Me: 21
Guy: Do you ever go out, how come I never see you downtown?
Me: Yeah I go out, I was out Friday and Saturday night
Guy: Oh really, where did you go?
I told him the bar I was at Friday night and then said, "I went to the races Saturday night, so we went downtown afterwards."
Guy: Really? I love the races, I go every year. Where did you go? (And then he goes on about races for quite some time)

I finished counting my drawer and went to walk towards the front of the restaurant to do something else...
Guy: Ok, see ya later
Me: Don't worry, I'll be back

So before I left I went and said "See ya!"
Guy: When? Where? What time?
Me: Well do you work tomorrow night?
Guy: No, but how about tonight?
Me: I thought you said the girl you're seeing is coming tonight?
Guy: She is but I will just tell her I'm going out with another girl instead
Me: I don't think she would like that very well, that wouldn't be very nice
Guy: If I told you what she did to me the other night you wouldn't think it was mean. It's ok, you can still come over


To clarify: Guy at work is very cute has a great personality and is from a small town (which means we have a lot in common), but he's not really boyfriend material. So I will just have to settle with him hitting on me at work - which I don't mind at all - and maybe we'll run into each other downtown sometime : )

This is How I Feel

Lyrics are so powerful to me, especially when they fit the mood I am in:

They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

Not Ready to Make Nice by the Dixie Chicks

Remember me?

So I dated this guy in high school for 2 1/2 years but I ended up breaking it off and started dating the ex soon afterwards. Things didn't really end well and we never really talked much after that (even though he tried to call me all the time).

Flash forward 4 years, he is now a police officer in a town 30 minutes from my hometown. Last week, while he was working, he ran into my mom. Long story short, he asked me when he was going to see me again so I am supposed to meet up with him to ride 4-wheelers sometime. It will be nice to catch up and hang out again...but don't worry, we were both very clear with one another that it will be just as friends.

Single Perk of the Day: Getting hit on (As long as it's not from a creeper):

Conversation with guy from work (same one as last time):
Guy: Are you going out tonight?
Me: Me?
Guy: Yeah
Me: I don't know, probably not. Are you?
Guy: It depends...by myself, no. If you go out, maybe

I am That Girl

I have officially become the girl that all my friends and family members make comments to about my current relationship status: Single!

I love my small town, I really do, but sometimes people know too much about you...

Exhibit A: I went to pay a bill for my mom at the chiropractor's office in my hometown. Of course, I knew the secretary, so she asked me how I was, what I was doing this summer, and then: So are you dating anyone?

After leaving the chiropractor's office, I made my way to the doctor's office to pay another bill. Last summer, I worked at the doctor's office, which is when the ex broke up with me, so I guess I should have seen it coming but...The secretary asked me how I was, what I was doing this summer, and then: So, are there any cute boys in Warrensburg?

Then later that night, I went to babysit for my preacher while he and his wife went to a visitation. Now they have both given up asking me about boys because it's always the same answer, but this time, it came from their 4 year old son: Do you have a boyfriend? Poor boy, he is just used to the ex and I always being together because that's what he has always known. He still doesn't quite understand.

Exhibit B: I was the Maid of Honor in my sister's wedding, and it just so happens the Best Man was my brother-in-law's single brother. Small town, yet again, everyone knew that we were both single. And for some reason, several people felt compelled to make comments on how we should just start dating because "it would make things so much easier." Other family members asked me where the ex was, including my aunt who knows very well that we have been broken up but still has not gotten over it, or him.

Exhibit C: I went to a funeral yesterday for my great uncle and of course, the question of the day was: So, are you dating anyone? When are you getting married? My aunt said she wanted to set me up with another guy from work that is 29. I agreed, but found out today he has a girlfriend.

My mom said: "I don't know why everybody thinks you need someone!"

I love my mom.

Always the Bridesmaid

I tried on my bridesmaid's dress for my sister's wedding today for the first time since it's been altered....the wedding is 15 days away

I had a minor panic attack when I tried to raise my arms only to discover the off-the-shoulder sleeves were a little too tight...let's just say I couldn't raise my arms, which wouldn't be a problem except that the dance floor calls my name no matter where I am : )

But don't worry, crisis overted! I ran the dress to the woman that did the alterations and she just untacked the front of the dress giving me a bit more movement, which was much needed!


Perk of the Day: Being able to hang out with whoever I want and not having to worry about jealousy

On the Up and Up

Single Perk of the Day: Not having to deal with drama/fights associated with being in a relationship

I hung out with the ex last night and he took me out for lunch today. Both times he said, "I had a good time." Whatever that means...I'm not too concerned about it

I am starting to enjoy this single life!

So This is How it Feels

I realized this weekend that for the first time in a long time, I was genuinely happy.

2 of my friends got married this weekend, and rather than being sad or feeling sorry for myself, I felt nothing but joy for the two of them.

I had a sense of peace that I will one day be there myself, but until then, I should enjoy my life the way it is now.

Warning: Just because I came to this realization does not mean I will miraculously love life...it's going to take some work, but hopefully I'm on my way

Current perk(s) of being single: I drank for free this weekend and danced with 4 different guys (all of which are friends) at the reception.

Learning the Hard Way

How do you make your heart listen to your head?

I'm not sure why I still care, but I do. I know that he has changed, but I still care. I know we are in different places and we want different things, but I still care.

It helps to have friends that send me daily words of encouragement. My favorite came from a male friend saying, "Dammit, you deserve so much more!"

To update on what I learned last week while I was home:

I was out of town for 3 1/2 days and didn't hear once from the ex, but as soon as I got back into town, I got a text from him asking me to come down later to get the songs he had promised me. I finally got a text from him around 10 p.m. telling me I could come down around 11...meanwhile, I had passed up an opportunity to hang out with another male friend while waiting to hear back from the ex. At this point, I was a little put off, but I went down there anyway. As soon as he gave me the songs, he started hitting on me and after about an hour of fighting him off, I had finally had enough. I realized then that he is just using me and he's willing to say or do whatever to get what he wants. The night ended in him telling me that we can't be friends if I'm not open to having a physical relationship, and so I left.

The next night, I watched a movie with another guy that I have been friends with forever. He has always had somewhat of a crush on me, but he doesn't have the best reputation, so I would never consider dating him. He wanted to go golfing and watch a movie, so I decided it wouldn't hurt anything. Unfortunately, the golf thing didn't work out, so I ended up going over to his house to watch a movie that night. I was expecting him to try to get physical with me, but much to my surprise, he actually respected me way more than the ex! We really did just watch the movie, although we did end up talking through most of it. We very innocently cuddled/held hands and it was great! Once the movie was over, he walked me out to my car, gave me a hug and told me goodnight. I did get a text from him after I left saying that he really wanted to kiss me, but he 'figured he could wait until tomorrow.' I was supposed to go over the next night to watch a movie, but I never heard from him. Even though it kind of hurt my feelings that I didn't hear from him, it was good to have that experience just to remind me of what it's like to be respected.

I definitely needed that!

It Only Hurts When I Breathe

People change...we all do, it's a part of life. So why does it hurt so bad?

It's funny how change works:

Sometimes you try to help people change for the better, but you can't change a person.

Other times, people change when you don't want them to and you hold onto the person that they used to be rather than who they have become.

But holding onto the past only makes it hurt worse.

So why is it so hard to let go?

All Grown Up

I'm not sure when we all started growing up, but it's weird and scary.

My sister graduated college on Saturday...weird!

She's getting married in 1 month and 2 days...insane!

I'm living in an apartment instead of living at home for the summer...sad!

How did this happen? How do I make it stop?

I want to go back to when life was simple...boys had cooties and the toughest decision you had to face was what you were going to play next.

Since I've been in college, coming home has always been somewhat of a refresher for me. It's a small town, where life seems simple and happy... But I know it's only the memories and wishes now.

Life is messy and difficult.

Sometimes it hurts so bad you're not sure how much more you can take or how you will survive, but somehow you do.

So here's to hopes for a better life someday!

"Oh now theres a place for you and me /
Where we can dream as big as the sky /
I know its hard to see it now /
But baby someday we're gonna fly /
This road we're on, you know it might be long /
But my faith is strong, its all that really matter"

"Better Life" by Keith Urban

Blast from the Past

Ok, so I have some catching up to do, a.k.a. confessing to do. I will apologize in advance for the length of this post...

I was doing really, really well. I had given up talking about him for Lent, and only had a few slip-ups (when other people would ask me about him). I also gave up Facebook, so I didn't hear from him in 2 months, and hadn't seen a picture of him in a month. But then, his mom emailed me to tell me his sister-in-law had had their 3rd baby. After much contemplation, I text him (the most innocent of all communication modes I think) to congratulate him on becoming an uncle again. The conversation via text messaging went back and forth for awhile, and then I got a text from him later that night asking me if he could call me later to 'catch up.' We had a great conversation (as we always do whenever we do not talk about 'us').

Fast forward a week or 2, my phone rings and its him. He gives small talk and then finally asks me if I'm coming home that weekend for Easter. When I told him I was, he asked if I could edit a paper for him. When we were together, I would edit all of his papers for him, and in the back of my mind I'm thinking that he is only using me to get a good grade, but I agree to do it anyway. Much to my surprise, he wants to give me a hard copy, when every other time he has just emailed it to me, but I didn't think much about it. I honestly thought I would meet up with him somewhere, get the paper, and leave, but he had other plans in mind. He invited me down to his house that Friday night after his parents had went to bed. Again, I'm thinking I will just step inside for a second to get the paper from him and be on my way, but he invites me in. For the next several hours, he hits on me and keeps trying to get me to kiss him. I stood my ground and refused, knowing that 1. It would mean nothing to him in the morning and 2. It could be any other girl in my place. A lot of what he said that night was really confusing - like, "You know I will always have feelings for you" and "I don't know, I'm so confused, nobody knows I like you." When I left, he apologized for the way he acted and told me I didn't have to edit the paper, but I said I would anyway. I gave him the paper Sunday in church, and he gave me that smile that he always had whenever he saw me when we were dating. The two international students I had brought home with me for the weekend told me they 'could tell he still likes me.' He text me later after church to thank me for editing the paper again and continued to text me for awhile. Later that night, I got another text from him asking if I had made it back to school safely.

That next week, he would start a conversation with me on Facebook every time we were both online. On Friday night, we had another online conversation and when he got off to go to bed, he told me that it was nice talking to me and that we should do it again sometime soon. We also text a couple times, but I didn't hear from him again until I went home after finals.

He didn't know when I was coming home, but he works at the lumber yard, which is caddy-corner to my house. I got home on Thursday night, and on Saturday I got a text from him saying that he saw my car at my house. We text back and forth quite awhile, and he invited me down to his house because his parents were out of town. This time I wasn't so strong and gave in.....at first I felt pretty sick about it, knowing that it meant nothing to him and that it would just hurt me more, but I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind.

We talked on Facebook on Sunday, and then on Monday he stopped me while I was driving by just to say that he had seen me running by this morning. He text me several times that day, and then later text me to find out what I was doing, but I was out of town visiting my old school : ) Tuesday day, I offered to cook him lunch the next day, and he agreed. Later that night, he text me again and I went out to his house again, and gave in, again.

Wednesday he came over for lunch, we had a great time and a good conversation. He tried to get me to kiss him again but I didn't give in. Thursday was my sister's bachelorette party at a Royal's game and I got a text from him asking when I wanted to get some songs from him that he agreed to give me. On Friday, he offered to give me the songs again but I told I could get it from him the next time I was home. I left Saturday morning to head back to school and he was standing outside the lumber yard, gave me a big smile and a wave as I drove by, and I haven't heard from him since.

I'm going home tomorrow night when I get off work and will be there until Friday. While I'm at home, it doesn't really hurt because I live in this bubble where I get to see him or talk to him everyday. We still hang out and act like we are going out. It's not until I leave town that I realize the situation I'm in. I know I've made a good decision to not move home this summer...I guess I'm just really confused! I know I probably put myself in this situation, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Part of me thinks he has to still have feelings for me, because why would he contact me so much and want to hang out so much? Every time we hang out, he always mentions how we make such great friends, but the way he says it makes it sound like he's trying to convince himself that's all that we are. He also told his parents that I was going to make him lunch - when I went to visit his parents, his dad asked me about it- but I didn't tell my parents - they would be mad. When I left his parents house, his mom made the comment that 'he will grow up sometime,' so I don't know if she thinks he still likes me or just hopes he still does. They have always considered me part of their family, and to some extent still do! While I was visiting his parents, his sister-in-law stopped by with his 2 nephews. They both ran into the living room, yelled my name, and gave me a huge hug.

Who knows! I'm sure I will have an update after my visit home.

To be continued...

It's Summertime

My summer has officially begun...but it doesn't feel like summer.

For the past 3 years, I have always equated summer with spending time with my boyfriend.

Unfortunately for me, I no longer have a boyfriend : )

So...I'm going to have to make this a memorable summer on my own.

Hopefully it's a success...I'll keep you posted!

More than Words

I know it's been forever since I have posted, but I don't really feel like words today...


This PostSecret really spoke to me:















I'm on my way too.

____________________________________

This picture is on the desktop of my computer currently:



I call it 'Downpour'

It is so symbolic of my life right now

Reality Check

A weekend at home was amazing and difficult all at the same time.


This weekend I learned:

- I may not have come as far as I thought I had

- My happiness and joy is greatly dependent on the weather

- Time may not heal all wounds

Sunny with a High of 75

Things are going well right now!


The weather: More than 25 degrees above normal

The fam: I am going home for the first time in 7 weeks tomorrow...and I can't wait!

The friends: This semester I have found a great group of friends, which is something I have been missing since I left Simpson (although they will never replace my friends from there)!

My humble abode: I signed my lease for my apartment next year with two of my friends. Oh, and there will be several frat boys that are moving into the same apartment complex that I hear are rather cute ; ) Also, I may have finally found a place to live this summer!

Spring Break: Haiti is 1 week away!

The season: Spring is 2 weeks away!!!!

Other news: 2 of my classes on Monday got cancelled, freeing up enough time for me to get a $5 pedicure at a cosmetology school!
Also, I now have 2 people following my blog, although one is anonymous : )

These Thoughts Are Not My Own...

For Christmas, my mom gave me a morning devotional book called "New Day, New You" by Joyce Meyer. When I first got it, I jokingly said, 'this is just what I need...a new me' (I knew my mom didn't mean it in a bad way because she has this same devotional book too).
This book quickly became the greatest gift I've ever gotten, and today's morning devotional really spoke to me.

Today's Title: Are You Enjoying the Ride?
The Bible Verse: "I came that they may have life and have it abundantly" ~ John 10:10

The point of it all was that we should enjoy every moment of our life. I realized that my life may not be where I wanted it or imagined it to be, but regardless of what I want, I am here. God obviously has different (bigger and better) plans for me than I have for myself, and so until I get there, I might as well enjoy the ride.

For some reason, this brings to mind the song 'This is Your Life' by Switchfoot:

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you've got now
Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes, Dont close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose


P.S. My thoughts have been invaded by the forbidden topic...please pray for me : )

A Glimpse Into the Future

This is for you, my one and only blog follower : )

I decided to take part in the game you tagged me in, but with my own spin on it...

Instead of looking back at where I have been, I am going to look forward to where I am going (mainly becuase my 5x5x5 and 6x6x6 picture was of a forbidden topic).


This is a beautiful picture of Tortuga, an island off of Haiti that I will be visiting in a little under two weeks! We get to swim in waterfalls, which will be amazing!

Although I am extremely excited about going on this mission trip to Haiti, I am also nervous about what I am going to see and experience. I am such a softy when it comes to other people, so I know that this trip will absolutely break my heart. I have been told time and time again that nothing can prepare me for what I am going to see...

On Thursday morning, I woke up and went running outside in the beautiful weather. As I was on my way back, it started pouring rain, which made me incredibly happy. I was running outside in February at 7:00 a.m. in 50 degree weather with rain pouring down on me...I loved it!

God has been so amazing with the weather this year and we have had some gorgeous days (in Central Missouri anyway!) The days are getting much longer, the birds are chirping, and we spring forward next weekend. I cannot wait!

I'm Giving Up...

In honor of Lent, I have decided to give up Facebook! I changed my settings to where my email messages are sent to an account I don't ever check, and I am actually really looking forward to it.

I have also decided to give up talking about my ex, which should be pretty interesting....which means my posts will now be about everything BUT him. I think this will be a great opportunity for me to keep moving forward...at least I hope so. It's one thing for me to think about him in my head, but to put those thoughts into words (spoken or written) makes those thoughts so much more powerful. It is definitely not going to be easy though, because ever since I have decided to give up talking about him, I have had some interesting events to be sure.

Point 1: At worship last week, the topic was relationships. Of course, we read 1 Corinthians 13:4-9...
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

I have heard and read these verses a thousand times before, but for some reason, the words really resonated with me that night, and have stuck with me for a week now. "Love is patient..." "it keeps no records of wrongs..." Love "always hopes, always perseveres."

I have been patient for much longer than I would like to be...

I have never lost hope, even though I have tried with all my MIND to do so...

Perservance? Check! It doesn't matter how many times he has hurt me, or how much time has passed, I still love him, even though I have tried everything in my power (through God) to stop loving him. I guess my heart is still trying to play catch-up with my head...I wish it would hurry up!

Point 2: My aunt asks me every-so-often if I have heard from the ex because both her and my uncle are really rooting for him to come through. I have so many people telling me "he'll come around," "he's young," "he's just sowing his wild oats," yada, yada, yada. I've heard it all, to the point where I don't want to hear it anymore. I just want to be able to go somewhere or see someone without being asked about him! So anyway, she called me tonight to talk to me about him, and (the non-existent) "us." It was a difficult conversation for me, and I cried for the 1st time in awhile.

Point 3: I know that in order to have a solid argument, you should always have 3 strong points, but frankly, I am 45 minutes away from not talking about him for 40 days, and so I don't want to continue, lol : )

I have really been struggling with what all of this means. Is this the devil planting seeds of hope back into my head, or is it a sign from God? I am certainly not trying to hold on, by any means, but after 7 months, I still can't see myself, or him, being with anybody else.

Who knows...I'm hoping this season of Lent will offer some clarity in my life!



I am looking forward to the many posts to come on all other aspects of my life!

Wish me luck ; )

I Will Survive

I have a new mission:

Survive Valentine's Day

I'm Working On It

Last weekend I finally did it...again. I sent him a long letter explaining to him why I can't be friends with him right now, and asking him very nicely to please stop calling me (again). I told him that if he ever needed anything, I would be there for him, but I can't continue to talk to him on a weekly basis like we're best friends.

In my letter I said,
"I know you have been over me for a long time now, and so you may not understand why this is so hard for me or why I feel like I can’t talk to you for awhile, but I feel like I deserve the chance to get over you."

And so, I haven't heard from him this week and don't anticipate hearing from him for a quite some time. For awhile, I considered waiting until after Valentine's Day to send him the message, but then I decided I don't want to hear from him on V-Day, and besides, I'm tired of being stuck in this rut and I'm ready to move on. I also can't help but wonder what will happen on my birthday (April 1), but I'm hoping by that time, it won't even matter whether or not I hear from him.

And so I'm working on it...

It's nice to not have to worry/wonder whether or not he is going to call me today, or try to figure out why he does call me. It is nice to not have to spend my time trying to decode his mixed signals and messages, such as "What, you're not coming home this summer? Why not? Who am I going to hang out with?"

I don't know who you're going to hang out with, but it's not going to be me!

In other news:
The gorgeous guy that I am supposed to go on a blind date with has yet to call me after 4 weeks of having my number. Although, he did add me on facebook a week ago, which I guess is a huge step/good sign : )

We'll see what happens....it would be nice to be able to report on something other than the ex next time!

Oh, and the weather is gorgeous, which helps lift up my spirits!

Love Hurts

I had a conversation with my ex a week and a half ago, which ended in him telling me to get out of his car and never talk to him again...and then he sped off.

I made it clear to him that I cared about him and that if he ever needed to talk, to call me and I would be there for him. His reply: "Don't count on it."

He had a rough Christmas break, and I can honestly say that Satan was/is attacking him. Everything that he did and said was completely out of character for him, which is why I decided to have the conversation with him that ended in, "Never talk to me again."

But, at 1:20 a.m. this morning, I get a phone call from him. I, of course, answer and for the first 30 minutes of the conversation am scared and am literally shaking in my bed. He just wanted to call and chat, and set some of the rumors straight about his un-Christian-like behavior over break. We honestly had a good conversation, except for when we would begin to talk about us. We obviously don't see eye to eye on this, because I still love him, and well, he probably couldn't care any less about me.

Towards the end of our talk, he mentioned, "I just don't think we're meant to be together." Wow! He might as well have inserted a knife into my heart...It does not matter how many times he says that, it still hurts just as bad the 100th time as it did the 1st.

I honestly cannot stop loving him, no matter how hard I try. It has been over 5 months since we broke up the first time and yet I can't help but hope for us to get back together sometime in the future. It doesn't matter what he does or says to me, no matter how bad it hurts, I still love him. Sometimes this makes me think about God and how much pain He must feel for each of His children that never know Him, that turn from Him, or that sin against Him.

To love someone that does not love you back is THE worst feeling I have ever felt. And for some reason, I am stuck here...