This is what I love

A list of things I love:

These lyrics:
"I wonder if I ever cross your mind
To me it happens all the time"

The new season

My sister got a teaching assistant position!

My friend had a baby boy today...and named him the same name I want to name my son (if I ever have one): Josiah Daniel : )

3 Strikes...You're Out!

My aunt has tried to set me up 3 times now. This was all my aunt's doing...definitely not something I asked for.

Boy #1 - Very attractive, older, had a good job, interested in sports, seemed like a great guy. But... He started dating another girl about the same time my aunt gave him my number

Boy #2 - Very family oriented, much older, not a big partyer, nice, etc.
But... My aunt didn't check with him first - turns out he has a girlfriend

Boy #3 - Nice, very likable guy, chilvarous, in the army, older. Only 1 small issue...he is my cousin's ex-boyfriend! Apparently she spoke with my cousin (who is now married) and she okayed the whole ordeal, and he agreed to take me out. He's been stationed in Texas for the last several years but recently moved back to the area and doesn't know anyone. Everyone in my family loved him,
But... He hasn't called (not that I'm waiting for his call by any means)


My faithful reader(s) know(s) I went on a date earlier this summer but quickly discovered it's not something I'm ready for or interested in right now.

But... I can't help but wonder why nothing has worked out.

0 for 3, really? So much for being a catch! ; )

Clearly, I am here for a reason.

Going Through the Motions

Since the end of spring semester, I have been struggling with my faith. All-the-while, I have kept up with the things that I 'should' do, but nonetheless, am still in this dry spell.

I did a 90-day Bible reading challenge, which I just finished up 2 weeks ago. It was awesome to read through it in such a short period of time because it made the Bible seem like more of a story. I understood it better because I wasn't just reading a chapter or two a day, but, as cool as that was, I didn't grow spiritually from it.

This semester I am an intern at the Christian Campus House [CCH], but I feel like I have nothing really to offer. I am also involved in a Bible study, because it's expected of me as an intern...but I feel like I'm fake when I'm there. I still go to church on Sundays and am at worship on Wednesday nights at CCH, but it's very much about me just going through the motions and doing what I need to do.

I know part of this, if not all of it, has stemmed from my situation with the ex. I have prayed for so long to just move on, to get over him, to stop hurting and to have peace, but I don't feel like much has changed. Sometimes I feel like shouting and waving my arms, telling Him that I'm still here, that I'm still filled with this pain, but He already knows that. It's not that I have lost faith in God, I guess I have just lost hope that I will be delivered from this situation anytime soon.

The devotion tonight said to write a prayer to God asking Him to either send you someone to encourage you that He hears your prayers or to send you to encourage someone that needs it.

I prayed for both.

Time Well Spent

I got a text from the ex yesterday morning.
I'm really glad I changed his name to Stronger than This!
I decided I would wait until last night to reply just so I could think about what to say back.

Stronger Than This (10:25 a.m.): I apologize for my actions two weeks ago
Me (6:38 p.m.): Thanks, I appreciate it
Stronger Than This (6:38 p.m.): Yep that was a long delayed response

The End!

With the encouragement of one of my awesome roomies, I decided not to reply back to his last text. There was no need for a response - I am well aware that I waited 8 hours to respond, but I'm not sorry about it and I don't need to provide a reason/excuse for why I did it. I did it because I wanted to, end of story : )

My roommate really said some things that opened my eyes to the whole situation - the truth hurts, but I'm really grateful for it. I've always said that he's been stringing me along, which he has, but I have allowed him to do it. I've also said that I want to always be there for him just in case he has an epiphany and realizes that he has majorly fallen away from God or needs someone to talk to. But, as my roommate pointed out, maybe by always leaving the door open for communication, I am creating a stumbling block for him (every time I have gone down to his house).

Numerous times he has told me that it's over, but I realized after our last encounter that it really hasn't ever been over for either of us. He has continued the relationship by wanting a physical one, and I have allowed it. What happened to people breaking up and that being the end? When he broke up with me, he chose to take me out of his life, but he also lost the right to be in my life, so it is my mission to end this relationship once and for all.

Showtime

I watched the movie The Holiday twice this weekend (the perks of being at home sick), and as stupid as it sounds, it was such an eye opening experience for me. Two of the characters have an unrequited love, and just seeing how weak the characters became whenever their love would call or visit gave me a V8 moment.

I have been that person.

I have been that weak.

But that was then.

I am stronger than this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself! For years! But you waltzing in here on my lovely Christmas holiday, and telling me that you don't want to lose me whilst you're about to get MARRIED, somehow newly entitles me to say, it's over. This - This twisted, toxic THING between us, is finally finished! I'm miraculously done being in love with you! Ha! I've got a life to start living. And you're not going to be in it. "

Iris, from The Holiday

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Step by Step

Today my mom emailed me to tell me that a woman from my hometown, who is a close, close family friend of the ex, found out she was pregnant with her 5th child when she went to get her immunizations before leaving to be a full-time missionary in India!

I, needless to say, was shocked! The couple still plans on moving to India, and the baby is due in April. Definitely keep them in your prayers, what a scary situation.

My initial reaction was to text my ex and let him know, because it is such crazy news! After pondering it for a few moments, I decided to email his mom instead.

I feel this was definitely the better of the 2 options.

Filled to the Brim

This morning I woke up with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and it has stuck with me all day...

I had an awesome weekend seeing all my old high school friends while home for the fair. It was good to catch up, hang out, and have a few drinks with the people I have grown up with my whole life.

So now it's Monday, and I'm back at school, getting ready to dive back into life. It's always so hard for me to leave home, and coming back to school is the LAST thing I want to do. I'm realizing more and more that there is just something about my hometown that I love. It's a small community where life is 'simple' and everyone knows my name and I'm truly at home there.

Life Lessons 909

I told you that the ex had text me out of the blue but now I will offer the whole story.

He text me last week to see if I was going to be home for the fair. He made a point to bring it up 3 times in our conversation, but like I said in an earlier post, I didn't expect us to even acknowledge one another...wrong!

Friday night I was at the fair and he text me. Again, I tried to make it clear by not responding to certain texts that I wanted no part in continuing the conversation with him. He eventually showed up at the fair as well and we were in 2 different groups the whole night, but in the same area to where he could clearly see me.

Anytime I would walk away, he would text me to ask if I had left the fair. He did this probably 5 or 6 times. When I would say no, he would ask where I was, etc. This went on for 2 hours, until I finally did leave. Of course as I was leaving, he asked me if I was leaving, so I told him he was. He then asked me if I could give him a ride to his car at his house. Giving in as always, I told him I would because I assumed he had ridden with someone to the fair that was now drunk (which turned out to be the case).

Long story short, I ended up going back to the fair to pick him up and take him to his car before I went to one of my friend's house. When I pulled into his drive, he asked me if I would stop by later. So against my better judgement, I did. When I finally got there, it was after 2 in the morning and he immediately started hitting on me. I was there for probably 5 or 10 minutes before I had had enough. I told him I was not there for that and he kept at it so I got up and told him I was leaving. He was clearly angry about it...apparently he doesn't do rejection well, but for that moment, I felt great! I had turned him down and told him that we were over.

We didn't speak again the whole weekend, except for when we passed each other at the fair and he smiled and said hi.

I've learned that he really only contacts me when he wants something, and I'm not down with that. The good news is we won't see each other again until Thanksgiving, so hopefully I can continue to grow stronger from now until then.

When I got back today, I changed his name in my phone to Stronger Than This, just to remind myself that nothing good will come out of talking to him.

A Snapshot into my Life

I wish I was a photographer.

Or at least learn to take some really awesome pictures.

I love photographs. I love the stories behind them and how they are so honest.

Sometimes I get lucky and capture what I consider to be some pretty sweet pictures (relatively speaking).

This picture was of a beautiful Indiana sunset...although the picture doesn't do it justice.



If you want to see some really awesome photos from my trip to Haiti, check out one of my friend's photos http://www.flickr.com/photos/hannahbrewer/sets/72157615849563062/

Don't Talk to Me

The ex text me last night out of the blue.

My replies to his texts made it very clear that I wanted no part in continuing the conversation, but yet he continued to ask me questions anyway.

It made me mad...I wish he would just leave me alone.

P.S. We will both be home this weekend for the fair in our hometown, but don't worry, I don't think we will even ackowledge one another's existence.

Music &Lyrics

Lyrics that have really spoke to me the last couple days:

"But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will"
~ One Day You Will by Lady Antebellum

"I guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all"
~ Need You Now by Lady Antebellum

"Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right
We were never meant for do or die"
~ Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson