Remember Me?

It's been quite awhile since my last post...I'm hoping you missed me : )

Everything in my life is the same as always. Same ongoing, never-ending situation with the ex. And that's all I have to say about that!

My newest revelation is that I have so much love to give but no one to give it to. I feel like in too many of my relationships/friendships with others, I give way more than what I get back. I'm working on trying to be more careful about how much I invest into other people.

I've also tried to free myself from my cell phone. I've started leaving it in my room when I'm out and about, not checking it for several hours. The less I check it, the less disappointed I am. I think it's helping.

In other news, I visited Baylor University earlier this month and loved it! I am hoping to go to grad school there in January. Fingers crossed! While we were there, we went to a Texas Rangers baseball game. One of the things on my bucket list is to visit every major league baseball park in America, so I was excited to go. Sadly, I have only been to Kauffman (KC Royals) and now Arlington (TX Rangers), but I will do it! I am going to a Cardinals game in July, so that will make 3. Slowly, but surely, I will do it : )

Applebee's Boy

Last March I went to Applebee's to drop off a flyer for work and a very attractive waiter was standing there to greet me. We talked while he sent someone else to go get the manager for me. He had a great smile and was genuinely interested in me and my job. The manager unfortunately came back too soon and so I left.

Then a couple weeks later one of my friends wanted to take me out to lunch for my birthday and we ended up going to Applebee's. And of course, Applebee's boy was there. He wasn't my waiter but since it was my birthday, they brought out a shot and sang happy birthday to me. He decided to make me stand on my chair while they were singing.

Since my birthday happens to fall on April Fool's Day, I decided I needed to get him back. So I wrote a note on a napkin saying since it was my birthday, I told my server just to give him my bill and have him take care of it for me. I thanked him, signed it, and gave him my number [which by the way, was the boldest move I've ever made]! I asked my server to give him the note and then we left. Unfortunately, she seemed pretty confused by it all so I wasn't sure if it was going to happen.

A couple days later, I got a text from none other than Applebee's boy. He would always invite me out to meet up with him and his friends but it never worked out. Then he got a job in St. Louis and moved there.

Flash forward a year - I hadn't heard from him. I almost deleted his number a month or so ago, but last week I got a random text from him asking me if I would be in St. Louis that weekend. I assumed he had texted the wrong girl but he said he intentionally text me because it was mardis gras in St. Louis so he figured if there was ever a time I would be there, it would be that weekend. I, of course, was not going to be there, but we text back and forth quite a bit and have been texting since then. He said it had been too long since we last spoke and that he would definitely let me know the next time he's in town [his friends still go to school here].

We'll see if he ever does, but it was still kind of exciting and flattering to know that he was thinking about me enough to see if I was going to be in St. Louis.

In other boy news: B and I hung out last week. He got sick and asked me to nurse him back to health. I took some medicine over to him before work one day and then he invited me over to watch a movie the next night. He held my hand the whole time and gave me a hug when I left. Oh, men...if only they could make up their minds!

I can read you baby like an open book

I was thinking Sunday morning that I hadn't heard from the ex in 2 weeks.

I knew it had to be coming soon.

Sure enough, that night he text me.

The convo went like this:

The ex: how you been?
Me: good, how about you?
The ex: good, how's school?
Me: eh, it's getting to the crazy part of the semester, but its good
The ex: yeah, that's how it was for me last week

And then I didn't reply because it didn't require a response.

He didn't text me back either.

It should be another 2 weeks before I hear from him again.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race...[maybe]

On Valentine's Day I realized I have come a long way this past year, even if it's not as far as I would like.

Last year I was dreading Valentine's day for weeks. I wanted to fast forward and the day itself was a downer.

But this year, it was just another day.

It probably helped immensely that it landed on a Sunday, which was nice because I didn't have to see all of the balloons and flowers or hear all the stories of love and romance.

My daddy bought me flowers and I went to see the movie Valentine's Day with a couple of my friends.

But the best part was that I didn't feel sad or sorry for myself.

Hello God, It's Me...

I left church this morning feeling hurt, defeated, and down...

The message was about the joy of mourning. In my mind, I thought, "Great! I have experience in this!"

But one of the verses the preacher centered on was Romans 5:5: "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Hmmm...hope does not disappoint. Really? Because I had hope for a year. I prayed faithfully for a year for healing and strength and happiness. And 1 1/2 years later, I still don't feel like I have any of it.

I know God doesn't work in time.
I know He has a plan. And it's better than mine.
I know He is bigger than me.
I know that we are supposed to have hope in Him despite our circumstances.
I know we should wait on Him.
I know we should never lose faith.

But I feel like I have.

The preacher and worship leader just kept talking about how God is a healer. And then we had a time where we were all supposed to pray and praise God for who He is. I was honest with Him in my prayer because I'm struggling right now. Even though I know He is worthy of all our praise, I told Him I couldn't praise Him in that moment. I thanked Him for who He is, for His love despite who I am, but I just couldn't do it.

I'm losing hope.
And faith.
I'm broken.
And hurt.

I Am Not Strong

It has been way too long since my last update!
Too much has happened to tell, but I will try to hit the highlights and sum it up real quick!

The reason for my hiatus is life. This semester is even crazier than all of the others. It is my first semester in clinic and it consumes my life! Between school, clinic, and work, I put in 10-12 hour days, then come home to do hours of homework afterwards....ugh!

I texted the Ex about a week or 2 after our first discussion of his thyroid to find out if he had been to the doctor. He said he went the day before and would be having surgery the following week to take out his thyroid, just as precautionary. I asked him several questions about it, trying to get all the details and told him I would be praying for him. Then he mentioned he was surprised he hadn't run into me over break. I said I agreed too [although I did try to make an effort to avoid him]. Long story short, he invited me down later that night and I went. That was a Friday. I saw him Saturday night at the high school basketball game in our hometown. I was with my family and of course my little sister picked seats where we had to walk right past him. We made eye contact, smiled, and said 'hello.' Then he started texting me a bit, and that was it. I saw him Sunday morning at church [he told me Friday he would see me there], which was exciting because it was the first time he had been in a year. We shook hands, smiled, and said 'hello' during the greeting time. That was it...and then I left to come back to school.
Monday night I texted him to wish him good luck with his surgery [which was scheduled for 7:30 a.m. on Tuesday] and to remind him to let me know how it went as soon as he could. We texted back and forth quite a bit and promised to let me know when he made it through surgery.

The day of his surgery I was pretty nervous. It was about 11 o'clock and still hadn't heard anything so I texted his brother to find out if he had heard anything. He said his surgery was delayed and was just going in. I was in class from 12:30-6:30 that day and would check my phone between every class. 4 o'clock came around and I still hadn't heard anything, so I texted his sister-in-law and she said he had made it through fine. A little bit later, the Ex did text me to let me know everything was fine. I text him the next day to see how he was feeling [he was supposed to stay 2 nights in the hospital]. He was doing well enough that he got released later that day.

I went home that weekend so my dad could fix my car and he was home too. I went down to his house again. Since then, we've texted back and forth quite a bit. So much so that there's no reason for me to have him in my phone as: "Stronger Than This" because clearly, I'm not. I still don't want to have his name in there, because for some reason, his name has so much power to me, so I changed it to "The Ex."

In other boy news, B and I went to the movies together Thursday night. It was fun. He mentioned it was a date. He invited me to his super bowl party a couple weeks ago but I haven't heard anything more about it since then, so we'll see.

Hmmm...

I text B last night to find out if he was in town.
He said "yeah, are you?"
I said "yep"
B: "What are the plans for tonight?"

I told him what I was doing and he said he might come out after midnight and meet up with me because he didn't want to have to pay a cover. We text back and forth for awhile and neither of us were in the mood to drink, so we were both planning on just having a couple beers.

I text him around 11 and told him the bar was going to charge a cover all night and he said he had had a bad day so he ended up going to his hometown. I told him to have fun at home, and then he asked how long I was going to be in town. I told him I was leaving for Atlanta tomorrow but would be back late Tuesday night, to which he replied: "Hit me up tuesday night." I told him I would and then after a few more texts, he asked if I missed him. That kind of took me by surprise, but I decided to play his little game and say, "of course! I haven't seen you forever. Miss me?" He replied, "Duh!" [Which is his favorite response, lol]

Hmmm....