How do you make your heart listen to your head?
I'm not sure why I still care, but I do. I know that he has changed, but I still care. I know we are in different places and we want different things, but I still care.
It helps to have friends that send me daily words of encouragement. My favorite came from a male friend saying, "Dammit, you deserve so much more!"
To update on what I learned last week while I was home:
I was out of town for 3 1/2 days and didn't hear once from the ex, but as soon as I got back into town, I got a text from him asking me to come down later to get the songs he had promised me. I finally got a text from him around 10 p.m. telling me I could come down around 11...meanwhile, I had passed up an opportunity to hang out with another male friend while waiting to hear back from the ex. At this point, I was a little put off, but I went down there anyway. As soon as he gave me the songs, he started hitting on me and after about an hour of fighting him off, I had finally had enough. I realized then that he is just using me and he's willing to say or do whatever to get what he wants. The night ended in him telling me that we can't be friends if I'm not open to having a physical relationship, and so I left.
The next night, I watched a movie with another guy that I have been friends with forever. He has always had somewhat of a crush on me, but he doesn't have the best reputation, so I would never consider dating him. He wanted to go golfing and watch a movie, so I decided it wouldn't hurt anything. Unfortunately, the golf thing didn't work out, so I ended up going over to his house to watch a movie that night. I was expecting him to try to get physical with me, but much to my surprise, he actually respected me way more than the ex! We really did just watch the movie, although we did end up talking through most of it. We very innocently cuddled/held hands and it was great! Once the movie was over, he walked me out to my car, gave me a hug and told me goodnight. I did get a text from him after I left saying that he really wanted to kiss me, but he 'figured he could wait until tomorrow.' I was supposed to go over the next night to watch a movie, but I never heard from him. Even though it kind of hurt my feelings that I didn't hear from him, it was good to have that experience just to remind me of what it's like to be respected.
I definitely needed that!
Monday, May 25, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
It Only Hurts When I Breathe
People change...we all do, it's a part of life. So why does it hurt so bad?
It's funny how change works:
Sometimes you try to help people change for the better, but you can't change a person.
Other times, people change when you don't want them to and you hold onto the person that they used to be rather than who they have become.
But holding onto the past only makes it hurt worse.
So why is it so hard to let go?
It's funny how change works:
Sometimes you try to help people change for the better, but you can't change a person.
Other times, people change when you don't want them to and you hold onto the person that they used to be rather than who they have become.
But holding onto the past only makes it hurt worse.
So why is it so hard to let go?
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
All Grown Up
I'm not sure when we all started growing up, but it's weird and scary.
My sister graduated college on Saturday...weird!
She's getting married in 1 month and 2 days...insane!
I'm living in an apartment instead of living at home for the summer...sad!
How did this happen? How do I make it stop?
I want to go back to when life was simple...boys had cooties and the toughest decision you had to face was what you were going to play next.
Since I've been in college, coming home has always been somewhat of a refresher for me. It's a small town, where life seems simple and happy... But I know it's only the memories and wishes now.
Life is messy and difficult.
Sometimes it hurts so bad you're not sure how much more you can take or how you will survive, but somehow you do.
So here's to hopes for a better life someday!
"Oh now theres a place for you and me /
Where we can dream as big as the sky /
I know its hard to see it now /
But baby someday we're gonna fly /
This road we're on, you know it might be long /
But my faith is strong, its all that really matter"
"Better Life" by Keith Urban
My sister graduated college on Saturday...weird!
She's getting married in 1 month and 2 days...insane!
I'm living in an apartment instead of living at home for the summer...sad!
How did this happen? How do I make it stop?
I want to go back to when life was simple...boys had cooties and the toughest decision you had to face was what you were going to play next.
Since I've been in college, coming home has always been somewhat of a refresher for me. It's a small town, where life seems simple and happy... But I know it's only the memories and wishes now.
Life is messy and difficult.
Sometimes it hurts so bad you're not sure how much more you can take or how you will survive, but somehow you do.
So here's to hopes for a better life someday!
"Oh now theres a place for you and me /
Where we can dream as big as the sky /
I know its hard to see it now /
But baby someday we're gonna fly /
This road we're on, you know it might be long /
But my faith is strong, its all that really matter"
"Better Life" by Keith Urban
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Blast from the Past
Ok, so I have some catching up to do, a.k.a. confessing to do. I will apologize in advance for the length of this post...
I was doing really, really well. I had given up talking about him for Lent, and only had a few slip-ups (when other people would ask me about him). I also gave up Facebook, so I didn't hear from him in 2 months, and hadn't seen a picture of him in a month. But then, his mom emailed me to tell me his sister-in-law had had their 3rd baby. After much contemplation, I text him (the most innocent of all communication modes I think) to congratulate him on becoming an uncle again. The conversation via text messaging went back and forth for awhile, and then I got a text from him later that night asking me if he could call me later to 'catch up.' We had a great conversation (as we always do whenever we do not talk about 'us').
Fast forward a week or 2, my phone rings and its him. He gives small talk and then finally asks me if I'm coming home that weekend for Easter. When I told him I was, he asked if I could edit a paper for him. When we were together, I would edit all of his papers for him, and in the back of my mind I'm thinking that he is only using me to get a good grade, but I agree to do it anyway. Much to my surprise, he wants to give me a hard copy, when every other time he has just emailed it to me, but I didn't think much about it. I honestly thought I would meet up with him somewhere, get the paper, and leave, but he had other plans in mind. He invited me down to his house that Friday night after his parents had went to bed. Again, I'm thinking I will just step inside for a second to get the paper from him and be on my way, but he invites me in. For the next several hours, he hits on me and keeps trying to get me to kiss him. I stood my ground and refused, knowing that 1. It would mean nothing to him in the morning and 2. It could be any other girl in my place. A lot of what he said that night was really confusing - like, "You know I will always have feelings for you" and "I don't know, I'm so confused, nobody knows I like you." When I left, he apologized for the way he acted and told me I didn't have to edit the paper, but I said I would anyway. I gave him the paper Sunday in church, and he gave me that smile that he always had whenever he saw me when we were dating. The two international students I had brought home with me for the weekend told me they 'could tell he still likes me.' He text me later after church to thank me for editing the paper again and continued to text me for awhile. Later that night, I got another text from him asking if I had made it back to school safely.
That next week, he would start a conversation with me on Facebook every time we were both online. On Friday night, we had another online conversation and when he got off to go to bed, he told me that it was nice talking to me and that we should do it again sometime soon. We also text a couple times, but I didn't hear from him again until I went home after finals.
He didn't know when I was coming home, but he works at the lumber yard, which is caddy-corner to my house. I got home on Thursday night, and on Saturday I got a text from him saying that he saw my car at my house. We text back and forth quite awhile, and he invited me down to his house because his parents were out of town. This time I wasn't so strong and gave in.....at first I felt pretty sick about it, knowing that it meant nothing to him and that it would just hurt me more, but I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind.
We talked on Facebook on Sunday, and then on Monday he stopped me while I was driving by just to say that he had seen me running by this morning. He text me several times that day, and then later text me to find out what I was doing, but I was out of town visiting my old school : ) Tuesday day, I offered to cook him lunch the next day, and he agreed. Later that night, he text me again and I went out to his house again, and gave in, again.
Wednesday he came over for lunch, we had a great time and a good conversation. He tried to get me to kiss him again but I didn't give in. Thursday was my sister's bachelorette party at a Royal's game and I got a text from him asking when I wanted to get some songs from him that he agreed to give me. On Friday, he offered to give me the songs again but I told I could get it from him the next time I was home. I left Saturday morning to head back to school and he was standing outside the lumber yard, gave me a big smile and a wave as I drove by, and I haven't heard from him since.
I'm going home tomorrow night when I get off work and will be there until Friday. While I'm at home, it doesn't really hurt because I live in this bubble where I get to see him or talk to him everyday. We still hang out and act like we are going out. It's not until I leave town that I realize the situation I'm in. I know I've made a good decision to not move home this summer...I guess I'm just really confused! I know I probably put myself in this situation, but it doesn't make it any easier.
Part of me thinks he has to still have feelings for me, because why would he contact me so much and want to hang out so much? Every time we hang out, he always mentions how we make such great friends, but the way he says it makes it sound like he's trying to convince himself that's all that we are. He also told his parents that I was going to make him lunch - when I went to visit his parents, his dad asked me about it- but I didn't tell my parents - they would be mad. When I left his parents house, his mom made the comment that 'he will grow up sometime,' so I don't know if she thinks he still likes me or just hopes he still does. They have always considered me part of their family, and to some extent still do! While I was visiting his parents, his sister-in-law stopped by with his 2 nephews. They both ran into the living room, yelled my name, and gave me a huge hug.
Who knows! I'm sure I will have an update after my visit home.
To be continued...
I was doing really, really well. I had given up talking about him for Lent, and only had a few slip-ups (when other people would ask me about him). I also gave up Facebook, so I didn't hear from him in 2 months, and hadn't seen a picture of him in a month. But then, his mom emailed me to tell me his sister-in-law had had their 3rd baby. After much contemplation, I text him (the most innocent of all communication modes I think) to congratulate him on becoming an uncle again. The conversation via text messaging went back and forth for awhile, and then I got a text from him later that night asking me if he could call me later to 'catch up.' We had a great conversation (as we always do whenever we do not talk about 'us').
Fast forward a week or 2, my phone rings and its him. He gives small talk and then finally asks me if I'm coming home that weekend for Easter. When I told him I was, he asked if I could edit a paper for him. When we were together, I would edit all of his papers for him, and in the back of my mind I'm thinking that he is only using me to get a good grade, but I agree to do it anyway. Much to my surprise, he wants to give me a hard copy, when every other time he has just emailed it to me, but I didn't think much about it. I honestly thought I would meet up with him somewhere, get the paper, and leave, but he had other plans in mind. He invited me down to his house that Friday night after his parents had went to bed. Again, I'm thinking I will just step inside for a second to get the paper from him and be on my way, but he invites me in. For the next several hours, he hits on me and keeps trying to get me to kiss him. I stood my ground and refused, knowing that 1. It would mean nothing to him in the morning and 2. It could be any other girl in my place. A lot of what he said that night was really confusing - like, "You know I will always have feelings for you" and "I don't know, I'm so confused, nobody knows I like you." When I left, he apologized for the way he acted and told me I didn't have to edit the paper, but I said I would anyway. I gave him the paper Sunday in church, and he gave me that smile that he always had whenever he saw me when we were dating. The two international students I had brought home with me for the weekend told me they 'could tell he still likes me.' He text me later after church to thank me for editing the paper again and continued to text me for awhile. Later that night, I got another text from him asking if I had made it back to school safely.
That next week, he would start a conversation with me on Facebook every time we were both online. On Friday night, we had another online conversation and when he got off to go to bed, he told me that it was nice talking to me and that we should do it again sometime soon. We also text a couple times, but I didn't hear from him again until I went home after finals.
He didn't know when I was coming home, but he works at the lumber yard, which is caddy-corner to my house. I got home on Thursday night, and on Saturday I got a text from him saying that he saw my car at my house. We text back and forth quite awhile, and he invited me down to his house because his parents were out of town. This time I wasn't so strong and gave in.....at first I felt pretty sick about it, knowing that it meant nothing to him and that it would just hurt me more, but I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind.
We talked on Facebook on Sunday, and then on Monday he stopped me while I was driving by just to say that he had seen me running by this morning. He text me several times that day, and then later text me to find out what I was doing, but I was out of town visiting my old school : ) Tuesday day, I offered to cook him lunch the next day, and he agreed. Later that night, he text me again and I went out to his house again, and gave in, again.
Wednesday he came over for lunch, we had a great time and a good conversation. He tried to get me to kiss him again but I didn't give in. Thursday was my sister's bachelorette party at a Royal's game and I got a text from him asking when I wanted to get some songs from him that he agreed to give me. On Friday, he offered to give me the songs again but I told I could get it from him the next time I was home. I left Saturday morning to head back to school and he was standing outside the lumber yard, gave me a big smile and a wave as I drove by, and I haven't heard from him since.
I'm going home tomorrow night when I get off work and will be there until Friday. While I'm at home, it doesn't really hurt because I live in this bubble where I get to see him or talk to him everyday. We still hang out and act like we are going out. It's not until I leave town that I realize the situation I'm in. I know I've made a good decision to not move home this summer...I guess I'm just really confused! I know I probably put myself in this situation, but it doesn't make it any easier.
Part of me thinks he has to still have feelings for me, because why would he contact me so much and want to hang out so much? Every time we hang out, he always mentions how we make such great friends, but the way he says it makes it sound like he's trying to convince himself that's all that we are. He also told his parents that I was going to make him lunch - when I went to visit his parents, his dad asked me about it- but I didn't tell my parents - they would be mad. When I left his parents house, his mom made the comment that 'he will grow up sometime,' so I don't know if she thinks he still likes me or just hopes he still does. They have always considered me part of their family, and to some extent still do! While I was visiting his parents, his sister-in-law stopped by with his 2 nephews. They both ran into the living room, yelled my name, and gave me a huge hug.
Who knows! I'm sure I will have an update after my visit home.
To be continued...
Thursday, May 7, 2009
It's Summertime
My summer has officially begun...but it doesn't feel like summer.
For the past 3 years, I have always equated summer with spending time with my boyfriend.
Unfortunately for me, I no longer have a boyfriend : )
So...I'm going to have to make this a memorable summer on my own.
Hopefully it's a success...I'll keep you posted!
For the past 3 years, I have always equated summer with spending time with my boyfriend.
Unfortunately for me, I no longer have a boyfriend : )
So...I'm going to have to make this a memorable summer on my own.
Hopefully it's a success...I'll keep you posted!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
