Hello God, It's Me...

I left church this morning feeling hurt, defeated, and down...

The message was about the joy of mourning. In my mind, I thought, "Great! I have experience in this!"

But one of the verses the preacher centered on was Romans 5:5: "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Hmmm...hope does not disappoint. Really? Because I had hope for a year. I prayed faithfully for a year for healing and strength and happiness. And 1 1/2 years later, I still don't feel like I have any of it.

I know God doesn't work in time.
I know He has a plan. And it's better than mine.
I know He is bigger than me.
I know that we are supposed to have hope in Him despite our circumstances.
I know we should wait on Him.
I know we should never lose faith.

But I feel like I have.

The preacher and worship leader just kept talking about how God is a healer. And then we had a time where we were all supposed to pray and praise God for who He is. I was honest with Him in my prayer because I'm struggling right now. Even though I know He is worthy of all our praise, I told Him I couldn't praise Him in that moment. I thanked Him for who He is, for His love despite who I am, but I just couldn't do it.

I'm losing hope.
And faith.
I'm broken.
And hurt.